The Untimely Demise of MTV

News out of Opelousas, Louisiana.  MTV was found dead in the Easy Sleep motel.  Authorities have confirmed the death, reporting that it appeared that MTV committed suicide by auto-erotic aphyxiation.  According to motel cleaning staff, the body was found around 11am after reports of a foul odor emanating from the room. Motel guests staying in the neighboring rooms began reporting smelling what was described as week old onions, sulfur, coconut and mango. Puzzled by the foul odor, the guest contacted motel management.  Eyewitness accounts from motel cleaning staff are quite startling.

One staff member who has requested to remain anonymous, detailed the scene when they entered the room and found the lifeless naked body hanging in the closet.  “It was a sad sight to see, used condoms and takeout boxes littered the floor. I was shocked at the amount of trash that had accumulated in the 3 days MTV was here.  I mean, My Lord, if I had to guess there were at least 30 to 40 empty takeout containers. I saw lo mein noodles on the dresser, soiled gyro wrappers on the pillows and the tzatziki, goodness gracious, that sauce was ALL over. More baffling was the nearly 2 dozen hot dogs that were found in there.  They were all over the place, it was so strange, none of them were fully eaten, it looked like he just would eat half or three-quarters of one and just toss it. I'm not sure how SO much was consumed. And the used condoms….they were all over.”

Randy, who is in charge of maintenance at the motel had this to say about the scene, “I haven’t come across a scene this grizzly in 20 years.  The room smelled like dirty asshole, which isn’t much of a surprise considering the pile of shit we found under the body. He must have shit for a solid 5 minutes after he died hanging there.”

Randy continued, “I just can’t figure out what in tarnation this guy was up to, it’s like he came here just to pound down shitty takeout food and blast out loads.  The condoms, they were all over, too many to count. They were everywhere, hanging on the fan, behind the dresser, dried to the television, on door knobs. We found condoms full of loads thrown all over the room, we found 6 that were thrown, and I mean with force, at the mirror.  What kind if animal does such a thing?”

A suicide note was found at the scene:

Dear Cunts,

Let this room be a reminder, nay a monument of MTV.  This room is a love letter to you America. I fucked and ate every bit of food in here and then cranked my dick until I died.  You will find me naked, covered in dried shit, cum and blood...if all goes well.

Fuck You All,

- MTV